Free Food
by Barmy in a Butcher Shop
Summary: Yugi and Bakura acquire a strange new 'card' and Kaiba will do anything to get it. Even go on an adventure with them to discover the origins of a strange sign, that seems to be stalking them. I wouldn't read this if I were you. IT'S SO STUPID! (sobs)
1. Enter Anubis, Lord of Waterfalls

What happens if… STUFF HAPPENS!? What kind of stuff, you ask? Well, here is where you'll find out!

If any of you feel offended in anyway, for any reason… remember, it's all in good FUN!!!

Well… blah. Away to the reading you go.

One day, underneath the bright blue sun… err, yellow sun, Yugi was happily skipping down the street, singing the song, "I got another god card! I got another god card! I GOT ANOTHER GOD CAAAAAAARD!!!"

It was actually just a picture of Kaiba taking a shower, taped on a piece of paper with 'Anubis, Lord of Waterfalls' written on it that some guy on the street sold him for $50.

Of course, people were staring at him. But it didn't matter, because he was just so dern happy that he got ANOTHER GOD CARD!

He continued to merrily skip along, when he bumped into BAKURA!!!

"Oh? Pip-pip? Did I bump into a fellow-fellow? GREAT SCOTT YUGI!!! It's you!!! I haven't seen you since yesterday! My, what a jolly day it is!!!" He said, clasping his hands together.

Yugi began to spin around, holding his 'card' in his hand, yelling, "Bakura! Bakura! Guess what I got!?"

Ryou blinked, "A pony?"

Yugi winked, "Nope!"

"Oh… well, then, did you get a periscope?"

"Nope!"

"A cotton candy machine?"

"Nope!"

"A pair of rubber pyjamas?"

With his hands in the air, Yugi grinned, "No! It's even better!"

Gasping, Ryou put his hands in front of his mouth, "HOLY CRUMPETS!!! What could be better than rubber pyjamas!?"

Proudly, Yugi pulled out his 'Anubis' card from his… um, pants, and presented it to Bakura, who screamed and covered his eyes.

"What's wrong, Bakura?" Yugi inquired to the shivering boy on the ground, who simply squealed and screamed, "THERE'S A NAKED MAN ON THAT!!! Oh, goodness me!!!"

Temporarily confused, Yugi stared at the card for a minute, and said, "No, silly! It's not a naked guy! It's the Egyptian god card, 'Anubis, Lord of Waterfalls'!"

Ryou instantly perked up, and screamed, "OH! A new god card? Yugi, you are quite the dodgy dustbin, I say! A regular tea-towel trolley if I ever did see one!"

Yugi didn't understand, but that was OKIE-DOODLES!!! Because he was so happy he got a new god card.

The two friends then continued to merrily skip along, when Bakura yelled and pointed, "Oh, my word, Yugi! Look! Those little shops there! One of them has a picture of a bunny on the window!!!"

They both shrieked in joy, until they saw a dark figure loom over them. It was… dum dum dum… KAIBA!!!

"Good to see you, Yugi; British Kid." He said in monotone. He was about to say something else, when Yugi screamed, "KAIBA-KUN!!! Guess what!?" He snickered.

Seto scoffed, "I don't have time to play guessing games. What is it?"

With his wide eyes, Bakura yelled, "But, Kaiba-kun! It's not fun if you don't guess!"

"I don't have time. Either tell me, or I'll walk away right now."

Tears filled Yugi's eyes, and he stared at Kaiba and whimpered, "B…but… Kaiba… kun… you need t… to guess…"

Rolling his eyes, everyone's un-favourite CEO said, "Fine! I'll guess. Okay… is it a new shirt?"

Like schoolgirls, Ryou and Yugi began to giggle, while the shorter boy said, "… nope."

"Well then… is it a new bracelet?"

Turning red, they sniggered even louder now, and Yugi barely managed to say "… nope."

Kaiba was getting really, really mad now. He screeched, "Alright! Then what is it!?"

Spinning around the now overly disturbed Kaiba, Yugi sang, "I got a new god card! I got a new god card!" And it wasn't long until Ryou joined in, spinning around singing, "He got new god card! He got new god card!" As Kaiba stood there, scared out of his mind.

Seto was very scared now, because a) there were two people spinning and singing around him, and b) Yugi got a new god card.

_Oh, good god…_ he though, as his eyes went wide...er, _Yugi already has three to begin with… but now that he has four…_ he gulped… _he'll be UNSTOPPABLE!!!_

"YUGI!!!" he screamed, alarming the boys dancing around him…and everyone else, for that matter. "LET ME SEE THE CARD!!!"

Smiling, Yugi squealed, "Okay, Kaiba-kun! It's REAL nifty!!!" With that, he handed it over to Seto, who, upon seeing it, almost had a heart attack.

He stood there, completely dumbfounded and shocked. After about six minutes of staring, he finally screamed, "YUGI!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS NAKED PICTURE OF ME!?"

"Oh my," Bakura blinked, "Kaiba-kun, where would you get such a silly idea? It's not you! It's 'Anubis, Lord of Waterfalls!'"

Kaiba was on the brink of hyperventilation. Who could have taken this!? How did Yugi get it!? How many more copies were there!? There were too many questions. Much to many questions. The CEO decided to act calm and cool, for he had an idea. It was a long shot, but…

"Yugi…" he began, "Do you think I could borrow that card? Because it's new, I'll need to scan it into my database so I can program it into the new duelling system."

This didn't work, though, because Yugi began to giggle. "No way, silly! This is my new favourite card!"

The Dark Magician began to cry in his pocket… but then got thwacked in the head by the Celtic Guardian for getting his backing wet.

_Curses…_ Kaiba thought, _I'll have to get it some other way…_

"I love this card SO much…" Yugi continued, "… that I could kiss it! Tee hee!" And with that, he began to kiss the card, as Bakura giggled and Kaiba shuddered with disgust.

How was he going to do this? When Seto Kaiba wanted something, Seto Kaiba got what he wanted!

… except for that time at McDonalds when he got extra onion on his burger. But he did buy the land it was on and drive all it's workers out, so it was a sort of rewarding.

If there's anything to be learned from watching too many spy movies, it's that you need to keep you're friends close, and you're enemies closer. And since Kaiba didn't really have any friends, this would work out well.

That's it. He was going in.

"Yugi," he interrupted the short boy from fondling the 'card', "You know, I've always considered you two to be my friends…"

Huge grins appeared on both boys' faces, and Bakura said, "My, my! Of course we're friends, Kaiba-kun!"

Yes. This was going well. "I was thinking, maybe I could spend the day with you two? You know, get to know you better."

Ecstatic, Yugi and Bakura squealed in joy, holding each other's hands and skipping around, chanting, "Kaiba-kun's our friend! Kaiba-kun's our friend!"

In his mind, Seto surveyed the situation, and thought about shooting himself for doing this. Was it really worth it? Having to hang around with these two airheads?

_Yes, Seto, it's all worth it,_ he reassured himself. _I'd do anything to protect my reputation. I need that picture back…_

Abruptly, the boy's dancing came to a halt, when Yugi screamed, "LOOK! Bakura! Kaiba-kun! The sign in that window over there!" He pointed.

Bakura squinted, "My word, it says… FREE FOOD!!!"

They began to shriek and dance again, beckoning Kaiba to come with them to investigate this strange sign.

_Protecting my reputation may not be worth this after all,_ Kaiba sighed as he reluctantly followed his 'friends', knowing that this would end up in disaster.

What is this mysterious sign all about? Will Kaiba get his card back? Will he even last without going completely insane? Who knows? Well, I do! So wait for chapter two, when I get my lazy butt in gear and write it down!


	2. Kaiba was never hooked on phonics

DUDE! It's been forever since I updated last! But no one likes this, so that's okay… (insane smile)

I know that British people don't really talk like Bakura does… I just figured him being so perky and scary would annoy Kaiba to no end…

Well, actually, I do know some British people who talk like that… oO… but even they don't call people dodgy dustbins.

So thank you, Yu-Gi-Oh Nutter, Sarah and Madja for reviewing!

And now, on to our tale…

Great. This was just great. Here was Seto Kaiba, number one duellist, number one businessmen, and… well, number one everything in his own mind… following around-

"Kaiba-kuuuuuuun! Hurry up!" he heard the voice of Yugi call from ahead.

Kaiba sighed and continued to walk, trying to tell himself that it would all be over soon.

The three amigos stopped in front of a rather odd looking little shop. And low and behold… there was a sign… that said… FREE FOOD!

"Ooohh…!" squealed Bakura, "This quite exciting!"

Yugi nodded emphatically, giggling like a... um… GIGGLE MACHINE!

Contrary to the two others, however, Kaiba did not seem impressed. "So what?" he scoffed, "It's just a stupid sign. And it's probably just a sham. No store would be foolish enough to give away free food…"

Or.… WOULD THEY BE?

…

No he's right. They wouldn't be. I just like to add some suspense.

… or… DO I?

Okay. I'll stop now.

The short little duellist blinked in confusion. "Yeah-huh, Kaiba-kun! Sure they would! Because they're NICE!" he beamed.

Kaiba rolled his eyes and sighed. "Whatever you say…"

Suddenly, his oh-so brilliant mind thought of a way to get out of this. He pulled out a marker from his pocket, crept up to the door while Bakura and Yugi were admiring the FREE FOOD sign, and began to write…

"This is gonna be so cool! I can't wait to see what's inside…" Yugi shrieked. However, Kaiba soon interrupted his happiness.

He smirked a most evil smirk and said, "Oh no, you guys, it looks like we can't go in…"

The other two were completely traumatized. "Bu… bu… bu… why..?" Ryou whimpered.

"Look," Kaiba began as he pointed to the door where he wrote, "It's closed. I guess we can't go in."

Yugi squinted at the writing, "But Kaiba-kun, it doesn't say closed! It says… clouds!"

Okay… so maybe Seto wasn't a very good speller… or maybe Yugi is just not a good reader. But it didn't really matter in Kaiba's mind, because at least now they wouldn't have to go in.

For a few, blissful moments, everything was silent. That is, until Yugi and Ryou began to scream, "OOH! FLUFFY PUFFY CLOUDS! TEE HEE HEE HEE!"

Ryou began to tug at Kaiba's sleeve, "Oh! Oh, my, Kaiba-kun! I do love clouds! They're ever so squishy and soft!"

Twirling, Yugi added to that statement, "Mm hmm! I hope they're pink!"

"OH! I love pink!" Bakura cried. The two began to play ring around the rosy while chanting, "Pinky clouds! Pinky clouds!"

_Nice, work, Seto…_ he scolded himself, _now you've just made EVERYTHING worse. Where do they get all that energy?_

Then, he got another idea. One that he hoped would go better then his last one. "WAIT!" he screamed, shocking the boys out of their dance, "I know something that's even more fluffy than clouds!"

They were unbelievably happy. "Tell us, tell us!" they sang.

"Um… uh… ICE CREAM…?" The CEO blurted out, a little unsure of what their response would be.

… silence occurred once more. And was, again, broken by streams of vocal glee.

_That's a relief,_ he calmed himself down. Now, all that was left to do was take them to the ice cream parlour and slip some morphine into their dessert. Then, he would take the picture, and everything would be normal again.

Well, at least as normal as Kaiba's life can get.

So, off they went. It was a little embarrassing to walk down the street with the two hyper active boys, especially since were holding hands and singing, "OH, A SPOON FULL OF SUGAR MAKES THE MEDICINE GO DOWN! THE MEDICINE GO DOWN… THE MEDICINE GO DOWN…"

But the horror of walking, soon came to and end. For the three soon came upon the ice cream store. They entered and went up to the counter. "I'll have a single scoop…" Seto looked down at the selection glumly.

"Come on, come on," came the hoarse voice of the woman from behind the counter, "I ain't got all day. Hurry up and pick somethin', sunshine, while we're young!"

"…strawberry." He finished, making a mental note to have her fired when this ordeal was over with. "What do you want?" he glanced over at his 'friends', who had their faces pressed up against the glass.

"Ah… um…" Yugi stammered, "I don't know… Oh! I know!" He sprung up and smiled at the waitress, "We'd like a large caramel sundae, please!"

Ryou nodded rapidly in agreement, and added, "Ooh! And, with chocolate sprinkles!"

They clasped their hands and began to giggle, while Kaiba paid the creeped out woman and grabbed their ice cream.

Seto begrudgingly led them over to their table. They sat down, and he began to plan what he would do with them after he drugged them and got the card. Maybe he would leave them on the railroad tracks… or maybe he could-

"Ooh hoo! This is super-nummy, Kaiba-kun!" Yugi beamed as he spooned some of the nauseatingly large sundae into Ryou's mouth. Kaiba found it truly sickening to be seen with these two. He couldn't take another minute of it…

Suddenly, the boys broke out into high-strung laughter as Ryou's spoon missed Yugi's mouth.

The rest of the customers openly stared at their booth, some mumbling things about 'freaks' and leavings

That was it! Seto Kaiba's reputation was as good as dead if it had to stay here for another moment! He pulled out a vile from his pocket, positioned it over their ice cream, and…

Yugi jumped up out of his seat and screamed, "LOOK!" He frantically waved and pointed out the window.

Squinting, Kaiba looked out to see what was so important. And there it was, just outside of a large department store.

A sign that read… FREE FOOD!

GASP! Another one? Where are these things coming from? Will Kaiba get his card back before they go and investigate? WHO KNOWS? Wait and see! WEE!

AND REVIEW AS YOU WAIT!


End file.
